Letters From Colleges, Volume One:

For the past several weeks I have been inundated with dozens of emails from various colleges throughout North America, each one trying to attract my attention through generic emails that have surely been sent to thousands of other high school students. Many of them address me by name, and some have even mentioned some impression made by my PSAT scores, but there are far too many of these messages for me to even care anymore. Letters have also been coming in by snail mail. I believe that my parents have looked through most of them, and right now they are being kept in a pile in the dining room. Here is a look at some of the gimmicks that some of these recent emails have used to futilely try to grab my attention.

• Le Moyne College in Syracuse, New York makes light of their Jesuit tradition, employed in order to carefully develop three aspects of each student: the mind, the spirit, and the body. From what I understand, these "three aspects" together comprise a human being, and therefore I assume that one would be hard pressed to find a college that does not develop these things, unless somewhere there is a college that maintains its existence without any students.
• Ithaca College states in their email: "College viewbooks are so passé. Cutting-edge colleges -- like Ithaca -- give prospective students a glimpse of campus life through dynamic web guides and video clips." This same email contains a broken gif image. If this is the cutting edge, then there must be a better knife out there somewhere.
  
• Tulane University has to offer: "Our popular poster, '100+ Million Exciting and Unique Reasons to Get a World-Class Education in New Orleans,' will show you just how much variety you will find at Tulane." I'm sorry, Tulane, but I just don't have enough time to read over a hundred million reasons. Please contact me again when you have created an abridged version. Try to cut it down to just ten million, if possible.
• The University of Richmond says in their message: "I'd like to tell you more about the University of Richmond, and mail you '5 Clues to an Ideal Campus Location.'" I hate to be the one to tell you this, University of Richmond, but your five clues just can't compete with Tulane's one hundred million reasons. Doesn't anyone have any middle ground to offer? Also, please review your rules concerning the use of commas, because that is not a compound sentence.
• Gettysburg College's opening line reads: "Visiting a college campus is the single most important thing you should do before choosing a college." Don't boss me around, Lincoln lovers.
• In the very next email, the University of Delaware writes: " In general, try to avoid campus visits around exams or breaks - you won't meet as many students and you might not be able to see classes in action." Clearly, the University of Delaware must have something to hide, hence this warning against campus visits. Also, please learn the difference between a hyphen and a dash.
• Drexel University includes the following plea: "Find out how your interests and skills can lead you to the perfect major and career - take the 'Who Are You ... Really?' quiz!" Doesn't that sound like some sort of survey that one would normally take late one night on any random web site and then post the result to a MySpace profile (e.g., "What Kind of Flirt are You?" or "Which Super Villain are You?")? Also, please see the previous bullet point for some important advice regarding punctuation marks.
• Sacred Heart University in Fairfield, Connecticut promises to provide: "Two free notebook computers during your four years to enhance your study and research on our wireless campus." Whoa, seriously? That's awesome. This email also includes a postscript which reads, "Be one of the first 100 to respond and you will receive a SHU T-shirt and information on Sacred Heart University." I haven't even applied yet and already this university is offering costless merchandise. Thank you, Sacred Heart University, for being a beacon of hope andfree stuff in a sea of boring brochures and the like.

Not surprisingly, I could go on for several more bullet posts, but I would rather save the rest for a later entry, because I am already very tired. Also, please keep in mind that I know very little about any of the colleges mentioned above. So, for all I know, I could be making jokes about my dream college. Therefore, for all intents and purposes, it's probably best to just maintain that I haven't really meant anything I've said tonight. Thanks for reading.

End Post.

Comments

[tvindy]

I remember years ago Ball State University put up several professionally printed posters around campus encouraging students to sign for summer classes. The tag line was "Estivate at Ball State!".

[Will]

Estivate? I love it. Oh, vocabulary, you are such a loyal friend.

[Sam Jackson]

Hey! I got here via links from, who else, higher ed marketers. Don't fret, I'm a fellow student, just saying hello, nice blog you've got here. These are very tame (but funny) comments on the marketing media materials, but I thought I should just warn you now that once you start applying to college, you really never know who might happen across them, especially if you have a block which appears elsewhere. You'd be really quite amazed who could be reading--I know I was.

Of course, it all worked out quite well for me, so attracting attention with more clever writing couldn't be bad, right?

Keep it up, and remember to keep your cool during the application process. Best luck.

[Renee]

Please write more. Admissions marketers need to know what works and what doesn't. Your comments are hilarious. Don't stop!

[Latharia]

Got here in hopes of finding a link to Supervillain University. Nevermind. I found it.